A Woman Here

I try to strengthen my relationship with Heavenly Mother, but I'm not always sure how. Some days sing, “Heavenly are you really there? And do hear and answer every child's prayer?” get stuck on the word “prayer” because President Gordon B. Hinckley said we shouldn't pray our Mother in Heaven.1 struggle this. Why not? Does praying somehow take away from Father? talk one parent other? That doesn't seem right. These questions usually lead me down a road of cognitive dissonance two main signposts: “Listen prophets” “Where's female authority Mother?”I wonder what Her would look like first place. Is reaching out heart too prayer-like? If it is, how, then, honor Her?By honoring womanhood, think some answer.What does that mean? respond. What like? Getting married having kids? Dressing feminine?Perhaps should describe beginning obsession desperation for womanhood. Back before older brother, glasses pushed up his nose uncomfortable expression twitching face, couldn't use “frick”—which learned him—because girls don't that. Before asked dad purpose women be if have children, he responded, “There wouldn't one,” as fired computer, so nonchalant, every-day-is-this-way attitude. mom tentatively suggested cause depression had less genes environment than did marital parental status.But now about it, I've listed out, can't find beginning. Maybe musings feminine deity kickstarted during undergrad years. As an English major, took American literature class where read “The Yellow Wallpaper,” professor described how narrator's husband, John, treats wife baby throughout story. Words “hypocrisy,” “feminism,” “double-edged sword” rooted tip tongue. Finally, could attempt culture machine, grounded patriarchal traditions misguided gendered belief systems, spun phrases “girls can't” “women should.”I hit breakthrough—breaking point?—a few years ago when visited parents Florida, they served eighteen-month mission. Their apartment was modest wide window exposing dark blue lake. Mom, Dad, sat at long wooden table small dining room. remember topic came up, discussed workplace. Dad declared workforce “tempt men.” My jaw dropped shock.I wasn't shocked months back I'd driven winding lane parents, them front seats back, pretty Elder Bruce R. McConkie Millennium, men multiple wives. mom, glancing rearview mirror edge her voice said, “He's excited that.” didn't told while watched TV, feet propped couch, friend thinking getting PhD, “I she married,” options mutually exclusive mind. dad, watching movie woman raped, “Well, duh, go alley, idiot.” sister thought engineers worked were idiots.Despite all this, hearing father blame men's inability control themselves night room me. sexism It decided explain meaning give example tempted by other women—and this mom. He'd attended work conference he'd met ladies who “mighty friendly” him coworker. Together, coworker wanted invited dad's coworker's hotel rooms. “awfully glad” someone else these because, words, “would been miiiighty tempted” himself. felt myself stiff revelation, partly shock, horror. Mom stared floor. waited say something. Say Anything.She didn't.I surprised But was, know say.These only examples life. made personal mission collect stories close friends. Stories wives cheating husbands. rape. The story who, teenager, sexually assaulted youth activity. solution bishop that, future, wear different clothing.These need shared world, share.Instead, I'll share time went doctor chest pains, particular” tend anxious, which can pains. Come allergies affecting lungs. Or elderly gentleman stood pulpit sacrament meeting “Young women, dress immodestly, it's young attract . ” guest speaker Young Women activity us immodest unwrapped candy bars—irresistible.I started understand power grad school Mother's Milk, book poetry Mother.2 His suggestion sent hunt any referencing Her. found “‘A There’: A Survey Historical Teachings Heaven” David L. Paulsen Martin Pulido. Pulido gathered “important historical accounts cast serious doubt specific claims first, sacred silence has surrounded treasured Mormon doctrine [of Mother] second, ascribed roles marginalized or trivialized.”3 research shares apostles, prophets, Church leaders Heaven “as procreator parent, divine person, co-creator worlds, coframer plan salvation Father, concerned loving parent.”4I loved finding disappointed authors “A There” most (but all) sources cite discuss Goddess men. great irony life is understanding (women's roles, women's purposes, ideal woman) shaped men, whether sexist feminist.Male family members helped shape own views women; professors, talked view feminism Goddess. When listening learning bothered men.But am now.Why corner market defining why believe do? ask kids instead mom? part reason lies fact Jesus Christ Latter-day Saints trust are, default, men—namely, prophets apostles also priesthood leader. Would blamed attack ultimate ward man (the bishop)?My hold certain irony. without talking etymology “woman” shows comes Old “wife” plus “man,” even linguistically concept created reference men.5 This Germanic roots “human being” “adult male human being.”6Given confusing often contradictory cultural define myself, much myself?After realizing angry. angry now—not won't change tomorrow, moment, just want Mother.I correct misunderstandings surround sister, “Come, Follow Me” lesson hosted emphatically me, “No, no, sacred. We respect Father respects Her,” Mother. same cautioned against using “frick” agreed adding institute teacher (another authority) about, love Father. He teach daughters day will goddesses, cocreators, co-framers, defined whatever possibly god.What everything essay. study, struggle, patience, joy does. frustrating thing Sometimes still genuinely asking, “But, there?” studying imperfect have, imagine She'll like, honestly, imagine. step over trap creating image leap into arms, more outside statuesque She becomes: sculpted, frozen, Greek goddess man.So chosen authority. It's women.I'm looking intuition now. trusting wisdom believing frustration being genuine. wanting needing commune okay. choosing women.That feels divine.I anymore. declare: there. world understands you, your grace might, daughters.Amen.